As a parent, what do you do when your son or daughter refuses to either follow your directions or respond to the limits that you place on their behavior?
Dr. Phil can prescribe the answer in one session, while being interrupted constantly (and thankfully) by advertisements of home appliances, latest cosmetics or the new anchovies and pepperoni Hot Pocket (trademark). I cannot and will not do that. Ms. Oprah Winfrey could never discover how great I am, which stands to reason because she thinks Dr. Phil is a competent therapist. Most importantly, the answers to most human conditions rarely lend themselves to just once simple course of action or one prescription such as antibiotics or norepinephrine-dopamine re-uptake inhibitors. Moreover, the whole thing can never be wrapped up in thirty-five minutes with audiences clapping as people’s sorrow or shame are turned into hope and joy by a man with no last name. However, I digress.
When children of any age say NO! to their parents there is cause for alarm. This situation did not develop overnight. It was not as though yesterday the child said yes, yes, yes mummy and daddy whom I love and respect and then suddenly POW! Today he or she says no, no, no you people about whom I now care very little. There has been a long-term and systematic erosion of parental authority over a substantial period. By looking back, we are not playing a blame game by any means, but it is important to examine the causes and the course of any phenomenon in order to address it and move forward.
Children do not start by saying NO! They began by testing limits, rather like putting one's foot in a bathtub to check the temperature of the water. They try to wear parents down and eventually they will succeed. To keep with the metaphor, the water must always remain too hot. That requires energy, time and most importantly, consistency. Parents have to consistently parent even when they are tired from a hard day at work, even when they are having relationship issues, even when they want to sleep-in on a Sunday morning, even when they are angry, even when they are sick, even when they have to travel and even when, for a myriad of reasons, there is only one parent available. Parenting is the hardest job there is. Running almost neck and neck, but behind by a nose whisker, is teaching and three or four lengths back is the office of the President of the United States.
I would like to propose a plan for recovering parental authority, which will depend on the age, gender and amount of time that has passed since the child or adolescent last accepted parental authority over the next three entries in this blog. The following premise will direct the plan. Whether it is reluctance or total refusal to follow parental directions, this is a learned behavior and, as such, it can be unlearned. A behavior management plan must be implemented with clear, concise, consistent and immediate consequences for not following directions and responding to limits that are placed by the parents on the child or adolescent. One last important note: the plan, once implemented, will necessitate the application of the consequences whatever they may be. Just designing a plan and introducing it to the child or adolescent will not provide the incentive for a change of behavior any more than appealing to the child or adolescent has proved to be effective, prior to the stage in the proceedings.
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